Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
