You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
