to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
