I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
