There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Two words: blizzard sex
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
