if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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