I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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