I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Randomize
