I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
