True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
