at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
