I wish my penis had an off switch
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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