I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
