Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
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