Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
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i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
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The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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