People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
