wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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