We're facebook friends in real life
Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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