I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
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