I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Randomize
