I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
