Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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