Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
