Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
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You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
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He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
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