I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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