Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
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Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
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I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.