Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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