My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
