just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
That was before I lit my hair on fire
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
