i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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