at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
