Sponge bath it is.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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