is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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