drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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