She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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