ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Randomize
