My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
