seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize
