there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
