He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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