ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
