just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
