i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Randomize
