I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
