My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
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That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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