So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
