thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
