woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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