if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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