I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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