Sacagawea was the original milf.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
