i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Houston, we have a squirter
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
I have already put on my inside pants.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
