I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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