is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
