The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Randomize
