someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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