Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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