She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
