There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
We're too hungover to prance.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
