I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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