U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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