if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
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