I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
